| Conan The Barbarian (1982) | |
|---|---|
| |
| "The mountain gorilla is naturally wary of intruders." - Seth | |
| Riffed by | One Man Band & OneWallCinema |
| Riffers | Seth, Kevin, & Kyle |
| Series | Conan |
| Date Released | Aug. 20, 2013 |
Conan The Barbarian a 1982 sword and sorcery/adventure film directed and co-written by John Milius. It is based on stories by Robert E. Howard, a pulp fiction writer of the 1930s, about the adventures of the eponymous character in a fictional pre-historic world of dark magic and savagery. The film stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones, and tells the story of a young barbarian (Schwarzenegger) who seeks vengeance for the death of his parents at the hands of Thulsa Doom (Jones), the leader of a snake cult. Buzz Feitshans and Raffaella De Laurentiis produced the film for her father Dino De Laurentiis. Basil Poledouris composed the music.
One Man Band and OneWallCinema co-released their MP3 riff of this episode in August 2013 in the iRiff section of Rifftrax.com. This is the second co-riff release from the two groups.
Synopsis and Preview[]
[Spoilers Begin]
One Man Band OneWallCinema Conan the Barbarian (1982) iRiff Sample 2
Once upon a time, a young Austrian man came to our shores, looking to become the most powerful man in the world. And one day, he realized that dream, starring in the worldwide phenomenon, Hercules Goes Bananas. But soon, his star fell, and he was forced to star in low-grade, low-budget films like Predator, Commando, and, of course, Conan the Barbarian.
Conan tells the tale of what happened to a small boy whose village was destroyed when James Earl Jones stopped by (though when you are in charge of the Death Star, you tend to leave paths of destruction wherever you go). The young boy gets strapped to a wheel he is forced to push for many years, which gives you a body that months and months at L.A. Fitness seems incapable of delivering (never mind he never eats in all this time). After many years of pit fighting and tawdry love affairs, Conan stumbles across a snake-worshipping cult, only to find by pure coincidence that Jones, now called Thulsa Doom, is in charge of it. With his friend Subotai (not to be confused with Sukhothai, who make the world's greatest PP6 with Beef hands down) and 'girlfriend' Valeria, he plots his revenge on the maniacal wizard. But with a voice that smooth, can Doom ever be stopped?
Though normally a loner, The One Man Band teams up somewhat reluctantly with k1 and k2 at OneWallCinema. But the reluctance isn't to last, as not only do the Conan impressions come out fast and furious, but all ends well with a rousing musical number. If you're not in tears by the end...well, then, you're just a jerk. Or have no tear ducts. In which case, we're sorry we thought you were a jerk.
[Spoilers End]
Cast and Crew[]
- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan
- James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom
- Max von Sydow as King Osric
- Sandahl Bergman as Valeria
- Ben Davidson as Rexor
- Cassandra Gava as The Witch
- Gerry Lopez as Subotai
- Mako as The Wizard/Narrator
- Valerie Quennessen as The Princess
- John Milius as Foodseller in the Old City
- William Smith as Conan's Father
- Luis Barboo as Red Hair
- Franco Columbu as Pictish Scout
- Leslie Foldvary as Sacrificial Snake Girl
- Gary Herman as Osric's Guard
- Erik Holmey as Turanian War Officer
- Akio Mitamura as Mongol General
- Nadiuska as Conan's Mother
- Jorge Sanz as Young Conan
- Jack Taylor as Priest
- Sven-Ole Thorsen as Thorgrim
- Kiyoshi Yamasaki as Sword Master
- Pilar Alcon as Orgy Slave Girl
- Florencio Amarilla as Man
- Ron Cobb as Black Lotus Street Peddler
- Dragon Dronet as Pit Fighter
- Donald Gibb as Osric's Guard
- Andrea Guzon as Breeding Woman
- Corrie Jansen as Beautiful Woman Jumping to her Death
- Celia Milius as High Priestess
Quotes[]
Notes[]
- One Man Band notes about the making of the project: "Conan was actually a very, very early project that I started back in 2009, planned in tandem with a second potential riffer. Unfortunately, scheduling conflicts prevented us from doing the riff as we had hoped to do it, and the project was shelved for a long time (due to the way the script turned out, it wouldn't have worked as a solo project). In late 2012, I had run into some issues on Dragonball: Evolution that I was planning on riffing with some friends, but as they fell through, OneWallCinema got in touch with me and offered to work on a project (it was very kind of them...I'd had submitted a few scripts in the past and things had been cordial since)...after discussions went back and forth, we decided to skip DB:E and dust off Conan (I originally wrote that it was after riffing Chandu together; that's incorrect. We were in the midst of working on Conan before Chandu, though Chandu got done and released before Conan was finished). It was interesting going through it again, revamping the script and adding adlibs, and even with life-related events making the editing and recording process take a bit longer than usual (I moved twice in 2013), I know I was very happy with the end result. Even though we recorded our lines separately, those laughs you hear during the riffing are genuine...I did a pass of the movie and couldn't help myself when I heard the stuff Kevin and Kyle came up with. And I take no credit for the "I Am Conan" number at the end...that was all their doing, and recording it was great fun. This is probably also the most heavily promoted of any riff I've ever been involved with, and the videos we did to prep it were a lot of fun as well. I never realized it, but the One Man Band has a reputation for getting injured or killed a lot more than I thought..."